And so it begins...

I was barely licking the frosting from my Red Velvet cupcake out of the corner of my mouth when Carolyn (one of those skinny, little bitches, who is absolutely beautiful and sweet) turned towards me and asked if I wanted to play soccer with some of the other moms from Kallie's team. I am going to blame the Red Velvet cupcake sugar rush for my response.."Sure!" what I really meant to say was "Um hello, have you seen the size of my ass?" But at this moment, it is kind of like being back in high school gym class where not only are you amazed that someone asked you to join their team, but you are equally amazed that you weren't picked last.

So on Sunday, I went hog wild and bought a beautiful pair of Fila cleats, black socks, black soccer shorts (thank you Target for not trying to rob a consumer blind like Big 5) a shiny red ball, and silver shin guards. I also threw in a sports bra and a pair of sliders that I am hoping can contain my blossoming muffin top from bouncing over my head (No such luck..but more on that later.)

Today is Monday. I have cajoled my Daughter Kallie into whipping my ass into shape before Thursday's big game. Did I mentioned I am terrified? I have never played soccer. And I am pretty sure it has been at least twenty years since I actually moved at a pace faster than a snail's crawl.  

Looking pretty fly in my new gear, I bounded out on the field behind our local middle school. Thank God school is not in session because I really had no concept how stupid I would look running for the first time in my cleats. I should also mention that somewhere between the age of fifteen and forty your center of balance changes from your gut to the top of your head. I feel like a Macy's Day float.

Kallie makes soccer playing look effortless. She glides down the field, ball in control, flipping her legs in the air like an acrobat, kicking and sending the ball flying into the goal, me not so much. I huff and puff down the field, flab flying out in all directions, actually tripping over the ball. This is day one...I have so much work to do. 

We practice tomorrow...if I live through the muscle soreness of today, I will post again.